Poop-Throwing Is Evidence of Intelligence and Other Things I learned This Week

When I read on Patch that State Rep. Marsha Haefner now represents a large portion of Rep. Gary Fuhr's constituency, I thought to myself, "What's this world coming to?"

Next time your toddler picks up their own poop and throws it, simply laugh it off as a sign of intelligence.  Seriously.  Apparently it takes a higher level of intelligence to throw things than not, which is one reason why your Chihuahua never stands up and throws the tennis ball back at you (Well, that and opposable thumbs).

It's simple really, according to evolutionary biologists at Emory University, 6.4 million years ago, primates that threw better survived and reproduced better.  With throwing directly related to brain development, it didn't take much longer than a few more million years to make us the non-poop throwing beings that we generally are.

Regardless, you may want to take notes about what you are preparing to do with that smelly little projectile (especially if you are a Haredi man in Jerusalem)  if you walk through a doorway while you're doing it.  University of Notre Dame scientists have discovered that human brains are susceptible to the "location-updating effect" which takes place when you move from one room to the next, causing your brain to begin the process of interpreting the new space you're in.  That's right, walking through doorways makes people forget things.  This would have been valuable information for Bill Clinton and Herman Cain (LOL) in their sexcapade denials.

Of course, I'm not sure how many doorways Michele Bachmann walked through before she forgot that the U.S. closed their embassy in Iran 31 years ago.  Nevertheless, if elected president, she will close it again.  I just hope she does it before she builds a monument to John Wayne Gacy in her home town of Waterloo, Iowa.

Also, it turns out that Big Brother isn't just looking over your shoulder.  Using software called Carrier IQ, it's tracking your thumb strokes and sexting habits as well. Never mind, no it's not.  Darn blogosphere, you can't hardly trust anything those creeps say.

Actually, those bloggers do get some things right.  For instance, this time-exposure picture of moonbeams radiating through a waterfall highlighted by an aurora and low lighted by a rainbow (moonbow) is pretty cool.  Moonbows?  Who knew?

Speaking of moonbows, did you know that Daniel Radcliffe of Harry Potter fame is an atheist?  I didn't either, but I do now.  Of course, this is all an obvious work of the devil since Father Gabriele Amorth, "the Vatican's chief exorcist" said recently that reading Harry Potter encourages "children to believe in black magic and wizardry."  For the record, according to him, so does Yoga.  I kind of get it with Yoga, but not so sure about Harry Potter.

If that all seems rather odd to you, perhaps reading up on quantum entanglement's spooky action at a distance as demonstrated by some scientists at Oxford University will calm you down.  It's not like they've teleported photons (old news) or anything.  All they did was entangle "a pair of diamond crystals large enough to be seen by the naked eye" in such a way that "manipulating one affects the other, even though they are physically separated."  Wait.  What?

Stay calm though, no matter how frustrated or anxious you get about all of this, it's never a good idea to protest with live poisonous snakes. There are many other ways to calm yourself down.  Perhaps a Do-It-Yourself showerhead made out of PVC piping, or some Yoga to calm your moderate depression.  

However, as I mentioned earlier, Father Amorth would advise against the latter.  Therefore, the lesson of the week is clearly that unless you are in to projectile vomiting and evil spinning heads, I would abstain from any sort of flexible meditation.

This post is contributed by a community member. The views expressed in this blog are those of the author and do not necessarily reflect those of Patch Media Corporation. Everyone is welcome to submit a post to Patch. If you'd like to post a blog, go here to get started.


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